I was talking to a man who started dating. He was irritated because when he took his date to the restaurant, she said, “I can’t eat here. It’s not vegan.” He didn’t mind her food preferences and thought there would be some options for her at the place he chose. But her declaration had a tone of entitlement.
Welcome to the BG blog, in which I offer practical advice on how to create thriving teams -- in couples, at the office, and even within yourself (yes, we each have a "team" of voices and players within). I'd love to hear your thoughts and how the posts are impacting you in the comments section. And do tell me more about what topics you are interested in reading about.
I had no idea that I would feel so small as I gazed out over the field and felt that I didn’t know or fit in with anyone. The experience of discomfort was so strong that for about three days I arrived in the mornings acting as though I was a 15-year-old on my first day at a new school, wearing last year’s fashion.
I asked the CEO about some of the beliefs he tried to live by, and he revealed that one of the main goals of his traditional practice was to attempt to Rise Above Praise and Blame. He tried very hard not to blame his employees when they screwed up. But he never praised them, either.
I was talking to a man who described his terrific new full-time job as if it were a failure. I felt compelled to validate his choices.
Listening to these women mirror their modern, mate-selection process back to me, I realized how dismissive and petty we have become in our search for love. The desire to connect with another human has been reduced to a consumeristic process in which we pursue a collection of attributes, and try to order up our partners like we would a pizza or a coffee.
A variety of relationship experts are counseling men to pump up their masculinity and women to return to their softer feminine sides, in the hopes that some lost chemistry between the sexes will return. What’s great about these ideas is that it encourages men and women to think about pleasure, polarity and how they want to feel. But let’s not sidestep the judgement in this way of thinking.
Sheila and Tracy found themselves arguing mercilessly about logistics. Who was doing more household tasks? How was the middle child going to get to piano on Wednesday? When would Tracy have time to go back to yoga? Who was going to figure out the logistics of getting them to a family reunion in August? The stress became overwhelming, and threatened to destroy them.
We know the limitations of avoiding big conversations and feelings in relationship on a regular basis, so avoidance is obviously not recommended as a long term strategy. But it can be used in moments, in small doses, as in the story above, to preserve a more important, agreed upon value.
You’ve probably found yourself analyzing and diagnosing your significant other, hoping that he or she will listen to your diagnosis and change. This is both natural, and potentially toxic.
Some people who have been enduring the Drama of the Gifted Relationship have simply tired of it. They want their relationships to be based on and about something other than processing feelings. Something like pleasure, or creativity, or both.