With all the leading women are doing in the workplace, they’ve apparently lost their sex appeal. And sexual equality has done a number on men, too. With women earning the big bucks, men are taking less initiative in dating, making them appear more feminized. Experts are capitalizing on this very modern problem.
What’s great about these ideas is that they encourage men and women to think about pleasure, sexual polarity and how they want to feel. It invites both sexes to be more in touch with their bodies. Don’t we ALL need to be more in touch with our bodies? We live in a culture of talking heads, and sitting at a computer or staring into a phone all day isn’t helping.
However, what these ideas have often resulted in, is shame. Like the woman who confessed that perhaps that attractive man didn’t call her back because she was too strong and should learn to be more passive.
Cuh-razy! Crazy thinking, crazy-making, insanity.
Or the gentle man who learned to use provocative pick up lines to effectively score women. But when he was ready to have a real relationship, he had no idea what to do.
We are evolving. Women and men are necessarily actualizing both sides of themselves and becoming whole people, in order to navigate a thrilling and stressful environment with integrity. There is so much choice about which way to go. We can even become the opposite sex if we want.
Therefore, I am charging men and women to be who they are and unapologetically go for what they want. If you are a woman and want to attract a very masculine man, and you believe that softening into your feminine side can help you do that, or better yet, softening will help you feel more relaxed and open, great! Men, if you feel that pumping up your inner and outer muscles will help you exit what is commonly being referred to as “the friend zone”, or better yet, you simply want to authorize yourself to take what you want, awesome! But let’s not pretend there’s something WRONG with you. Let’s co-lead towards a new type of intimacy instead.
What is co-leadership, or co-authorship in relationship? It’s working together towards an agreed upon vision. It may mean that occasionally one partner (male, female or both!) will step back and let the other lead because the couple has decided that one partner is in charge of that area. For example, a woman who allows her husband to plan their vacations may do so out of mutual respect for his expertise in planning, and not because he’s the head of the household, or because she’s holding herself back from being bossy in order to be loved.
Do you resonate? Instead of being told how you need to be in order to be loved, learn how to stand in your authority in intimacy. Sign up for the Intimate Authority Online Course!
5 responses to “Think you need to be MORE feminine or masculine for love? Check again.”
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Great post Blair! Absolutely love this and what a great on-going discussion this could be in some forum! Very well done!!
Cynthia, Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I hope that it will become an ongoing discussion somewhere at some point!
Makes me want to co-lead!
Blair,
Another great piece of reflection. So much advice about “how to be if” and “how to be when” and not enough advice on learning-who-you-are. (I may be over-simplifying, so apologies.)
In terms of asking a woman out or asking where to go — I can’t believe this is still a discussion in 2014 in North America. If I want my date to make a date or offer a place to go, then I’ll let her know. My “way” is not to be 1950’s chivalrous. And your point is taken — there does not have to be one “way”. There are as many ways of dating as there are couples in the universe. (hastag that one!)
Is it really taboo that a man and woman share responsibility for dating decisions? Of course, there is a continuum of gender roles & sexuality preferences, but that is not my point. My point is that for the traditional male/female dating scheme … I’m going to interrupt my thought for a minute.
A final pretzel for consideration: there is a balance between (1) trying to lead, (2) trying to respect the other’s preference, (3) trying to share, (4) trying to not be annoying, (5) trying to have mojo, and (6) trying to not have too much machismo. This is from a male perspective. Make sense? There is a pretzel for me, a sensitive empathetic guy, and the pretzel does not unravel.
David,
Your interruption was much appreciated and very important. We need more from your voice. We need to hear more about how sensitive men are confused by us women who send mixed messages all the time: I can hold the door myself! You need to plan the dates and pay for dinner! Be aggressive in the bedroom — but nowhere else! It’s a clusterfuck, and I get it, and I hope that my thoughts about leadership in love (working on the draft of the book as I type this) can help men and women to feel more empowered in creating the relationships that are right for them.
Thank you, David, for your heartfelt response.