I recently heard the story of a woman who defined herself as “very straightforward and honest.” But her honesty, which included commenting on people’s shortcomings infront of them and others (e.g.,”Last time I saw you, you were skinny — what happened?”), isolated her from many who became wary of her. When she was confronted on her radical and rude behavior, her response was: “I am just being honest, saying it like I see it. It’s the way I am.”
Do you ever feel that honesty is overrated? Don’t get me wrong. After all, as a therapist and consultant I believe in and encourage clear communication and forthright dialogue between oneself and one’s intimates. I also believe in radical honesty as a temporary cure for those who have habitually kept things bottled up and are looking to free their voices. In fact, I went through a phase like this in my twenties, which on the one hand isolated me from some friends and family, but ultimately brought me closer to the freedom and intimacy I was looking for with people who valued feelings and clarity. I learned that I no longer needed to be burdened by holding everything in; that I could survive both speaking up and people’s reactions to my speaking up; and eventually, that I no longer needed to be honest with others about everything all the time.
Honestly, is honesty always the best policy? Click To Tweet When your girlfriend is anxiously flitting about before an important career meeting, and she asks you if she looks fat, is it imperative that you say, “Actually, I’ve been noticing you’ve been gaining a few pounds lately,” for the sake of honest feedback? If your husband has a jealous streak, and one day a handsome stranger tries to pick you up, do you need to share that information with your husband as you recount your day at your anniversary dinner? This type of ill-timed honesty kills intimacy, rather than enhances it.
I spoke with a father who reported hearing the loud crash of his young daughter falling in the next room. His being flooded with panic. As he raced to the scene, something in him shifted. In a split second he realized that his true feelings of terror were not useful in establishing what his daughter might need. In addition, his fear was so extreme it might have made her feel scared, or she might have felt compelled to take care of him. He contained himself, masked his gut reaction and projected the role of “calm good father,” just in time to scoop her off the floor and assess the damage. Thankfully his daughter was OK. This kind of well-timed dishonesty, if it can really be called that, enhances integrity and intimacy.
It is important at home and in the workplace to give clear feedback. But what is important to communicate is facts; not every thought or feeling you’ve ever had. It is important to consider when and how honesty is useful, and how much honesty is necessary to get your point across. It is good to see where some self-containment, little white lies and omissions are occasionally well employed. Therefore, when giving honest feedback, ask the right questions. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:
When you are about to “be honest”, ask yourself, what is my intention in expressing my truth right now? What is the impact I want to have? In intimate relationships, sharing honest reactions, insights and feelings can be openings to deeper intimacy. At the office, they can inspire better work practices. Risky conversations in which one party shares the negative effects of another’s behavior may be messy, as feelings often get hurt and let loose as part of the process. This is fine, as long as your intentions are to open to more connection or a better environment. Double check to see if your surface intention to be transparent belies a hidden intent to hurt, distance, punish or passively relieve yourself of resentment. Ask yourself: Am I feeling threatened, or secretly resentful? If this is the case, it is usually not useful to express your opinions or feelings in that moment.
Timing
The first week at her new job is probably not the best time to tell your new employee that she might not make it at the company. Or to express to your best friend that you’ve been feeling neglected by her. Ask yourself: Is now the right time? Are other people around that could create embarrassment? Will speaking up disturb the flow of the time we are having and is that necessary (sometimes it sure is) or worth it? Giving yourself time and waiting to let the upset settle is an excellent practice when expressing oneself.
Environment
If what you have to say is possibly upsetting, you want to pick a gentle environment, preferably a private one. For some reason people usually choose to have heavy conversations in restaurants. We’ve all seen or been the one crying at the table or cooped up in the bathroom trying to attain dry eyes. Pick an environment that involves the least amount of response management. Homes, unpopulated country walks and beaches are good places to start.
Containment and Character
Being honest with yourself means being truthful about how you feel. Some feelings are fine for you to know and keep to yourself. This type of honest awareness is not denial, or repressing your feelings, which creates a lot of pressure internally and externally. It is knowing your feelings, but containing them inside yourself, and then acting as the person you want to be. Like the father in the story above, it is okay to put those feelings aside briefly to show up for someone else.
Use Sparingly: The little white lie, the off-white lie and the omission
Sometimes it’s easier to tell your new colleague at work that your eyes are red because of allergies instead of admitting that you were up all night crying. That would be a white lie. You don’t have to get into everything with people you don’t know well or are just getting to know, such as romantic interests. An off white lie would be calling in sick to work and then going scuba diving. Not recommended for use with intimates (except around surprise parties), these are best used with relatives and acquaintances. And the omission: Choosing to withhold from a potential romantic partner your distress that he/she is ten minutes late, or not sharing a mean slice of gossip about a friend with that friend. Use strategically and not too often, or you run the risk of becoming untrustworthy.
Your Heart
Often the whole issue of when to be honest dissipates when you tune in and connect with your heart. Your heart knows exactly what needs to be said and when, and it never is about the shallow stuff. Its feedback is always geared to bring more love to yourself, your loved ones and the world.
And remember,
Love Yourself no matter what.
15 responses to “Honestly Speaking”
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[…] Glaser takes a different stance in, Honestly Speaking, encouraging us to think well about if, when, and how we should offer feedback. She concludes, […]
Excited to that this post was included in the incredible line up! http://letsgrowleaders.com/2013/04/19/april-frontline-festival-a-leadership-carnival-for-frontline-leaders/
Hi Blair, I like that you included impact and intentions along with the other great points. I would add that being honest AND kind go hand in hand. Both are needed. Honesty that isn’t kind needs to be reframed or repackaged in some way.
Great post, Blair and so helpful! I am sometimes conflicted with sharing how I honestly feel and how I want to come across. It can be a fine line but I try to have the other person’s feelings in mind. In addition to being clear in our communication, choosing the right words and going over them in your mind ahead of time can be the best way to go. Think. Ponder. Question. Then give feedback. Pause and reflection can make our honest responses very respectful.
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Terri. Pause and reflection are such great comrades when it comes to successful relationships. I, too, tend to rehearse the tough stuff, even write out a few drafts to get the sharp edges out. Unless, of course, those sharp edges are the right medicine, which they are on occasion.
Great post Blair, and an interesting topic. One I’ve been exploring off and on myself with a series of my own posts last year I wrote on The Quest for Truth.
In short, I’ve found that truth and lies aren’t as black and white as we may initially have been led to believe. If we went to Sunday school growing up, we quickly learned all about the 10 Commandments and ‘though shalt not lie’.
Yet we are then taught to say ‘fine’ when someone asks us how we are doing even if, like you mention in your post, you may have been up all night crying your eyes out.
The other part of my quest has been in the balance between love and truth. In my own life I’ve learned (and continue to learn in various relationships/circumstances) that the truth by itself can be downright cruel. If there is no love with what we are sharing, our motives and intentions really should be questioned.
I loved your questions and consider them to be a good spot check before an honesty session:
‘When you are about to “be honest”, ask yourself, what is my intention in expressing my truth right now? What is the impact I want to have?’
For every person, that comfort zone is going to be different. Fear of punishment also plays a role in how ‘honest’ people tend to be in various relationships. And it seems that it is unfortunately human nature that more often then not, truth comes flying out of the mouths most often when there is a fight. ‘Great! NOW you tell me!’ (grins)
There is also a matter of truth itself. What one person considers to be the truth, another person considers to be a lie. Let each be convinced in their own hearts and minds.
Great post Blair. Glad I spotted it in my feed today.
Such profound points you bring up, Samantha. What actually is truth? When is the “truth” cruel? And a new question comes to mind . . .how do we distinguish between what we believe to be true and how others perceive truth?
I always return to Gurumayi’s statement: “Be honest with yourself.” That might be the best we can do.
Thanks so much for your insights and contributions to this blog.
Warmly,
Blair
This is such an important distinction in every area of life. I’ve marked this for future reference – great resource!
I saw a clip of one of the last bachelor end of season episodes. This guy had apparently upset a lot of the girls. He kept saying “I’m just being honest” like he was the keeper of the truth so he was just being a “stand up guy” and his honesty was a gift. It was a technicolor reminder that honest does not equal THE truth about anyone or anything – something we must remember when delivering our honesty or we are likely to do more harm than good.
So true, Susan! Hostility masked as honesty is particularly lethal! Thanks for stopping by, sharing your insight and bookmarking the post.
Beautiful. Honestly! 🙂 Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly about the idea of walking somewhere outdoors where you can also have some privacy. I love how you included questions to ask ourselves and examples. One thing I was thinking about is to consider how we receive honesty/dishonesty … sometimes people make mistakes in judgment when sharing or omitting … assuming it’s not a habit. I’m not saying that it’s wise to indulge lying or harmful ‘truth’ telling, but I was thinking that by keeping what you’ve shared in mind we could gain some understanding about another person’s choices even if they were choices that might have hurt in the moment or if we feel it would have been better for them to be more or less forthcoming.
Manisha,
Your comment (as usual!) adds another valuable thing to consider – strategies for what to do with the information when it is received, and considering the thoughts and intentions of the messenger. When we hear difficult information, we would always want it another way, right? But as a communicator, it’s a great thing to take the blowback into account and see what, if anything, could be done to decrease reactivity in future communiques. Thanks again for chiming in.
This narrative is a superb piece of writing —
— wonderfully articulated and crystal clear. Wonderful insights for anyone, both at work or living their lives (LOL), to articulate one’s point of view using all the sensibilities with authority and poise.
Thanks so much for your kind feedback, Ramu! Glad the post is useful!
What I liked the most about this post was the reminder of Integrity and Intention in your words AND the importance of coming from the heart! Thanks, Blair!
he Chinese character for listen,“Ting,” captures the full spirit of listening — using our ears, mind, ears, and heart, we can become one heart. Not easy in a world of division. Rather than succumb the “retail therapy” of brick and mortar we have to shift spaces towards BRICS and mortar and learn to #LeadwiththeHeart, actively “Ting”ing in a multicultural world of differences. That being said, typography is easier than walking the talk. Should be fun in a group setting where there is a safety and scaffolding to become vulnerable and more human (untethered from a smartphone — the first-class citizen with no passport)!! 🙂