4 Ways to Lead in Relationship

I recently recorded a podcast with Kate Anthony of the popular Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, and I can’t wait to share it when it airs this summer.

You may be thinking: I know you’re a writer. And an executive leadership coach focused on developing HI. But on a divorce podcast?

Let me explain.

When I was learning how to be an executive coach, I was still working as a therapist. And I started experimenting with using leadership advice with the couples who came to see me. It worked.

These days I’m mostly called in to help with business partners, but couples still find their way to me now and again.

Healthy relating is all part of increasing our HI.

So. I now present…

Four ways to lead in love:

I. At a special Valentine's Day dinner, in a very pricey restaurant, the conversation from the couple next to us infiltrated our space. They weren't loud. We were quiet.

Silent.

You know how that sometimes is. You just can't get it up to play the romantic dinner scene. There's too much pressure to feel connected, for the food to be amazing, for it to be perfect.

I wanted to ask, "What's wrong?" But that question never worked in that relationship. (Does it ever?) It was always followed by the all too common response, "Nothing." So I adjusted my earrings. He stared at the menu as though he was reading Moby Dick.

Then, amazingly, he spoke up.

"What could we do that would make this dinner really memorable?”

I felt the air lighten all around us. Suddenly, the food smelled amazing.

"Let's ask the waitress," I playfully suggested, as she was walking towards us.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"Um, what would you suggest for a couple that's out of things to talk about, overworked, and mildly irritated for no apparent reason?"

The three of us played well together. And when she left, the two of us began plotting to take over all romantic holidays and make them extinct. It was a meal to remember for many reasons.

Lead by inquiry. Asking the right questions is an essential relationship leadership skill. The guy asked the right question, with the right tone, at the perfect time — shifting us out of stale energy towards connection. Feeling backed into a corner? Out of sync with your partner? In a repetitive dynamic? You can lead your relationship from one place to another through inquiry. It's an art. Learn it, and you've got a good chance of relationship success.

II. Adam, after years of being the stay-at-home partner, got so involved in a volunteer school board project that they ended up hiring him, paying for skills he didn't previously know he had. He was alive and on fire.

Although Charlie, Adam's partner of 10 years, supported Adam, he was also jealous. Adam’s enthusiasm reminded Charlie of how unhappy he was at his well-paying job —a complaint he never hesitated to share. After a couple of fights, Charlie wondered if he could be lit up about work again. The two began the hard conversations about their financial life and if there was room for Charlie to look for a new job, too.

Lead by Example: Over the years, Adam had said: “Well, why don’t you just get a new job?” Without realizing it, by following his heart and diving into work, Adam paved the way for Charlie's expansion. Leading by Example is a less verbal type of leadership, good for those who don’t like to talk. If you want your partner to change for example, their eating habits, the best thing you can do is take your own health seriously and lead by example. When one person changes, the other might just follow.

III. "We don’t talk much. We mostly sit next to each other and scroll," said Amy, newly married and bored at 35.

"What would you like to be doing?" I asked

Amy listed a number of active activities: hiking, biking, kayaking, etc.

“So do them," I suggested.

"But," Amy pleaded, "He’s not into that stuff. Then we wouldn't be together!"

So Amy signed up for a hiking group and invited Ed to come. Ed liked nature. But he stayed home and played online video games the first few times she went. The third time, however, he surprised her by saying yes. She was thrilled, and they started a new habit.

Lead by Moving in a Different Direction. Amy engaged in another powerful form of leadership in relationship, by changing gears. It is an effective strategy when, as a couple, you keep saying you want to change something but never do (like breaking your phone addictions, or exercising). Like leading by example, moving in a different direction and changing things up can be facilitated with no discussion.

IV. Molly was distraught about an interaction she had with her sister. She went round and round, playing it over, seeking relief. Erin knew that they were not allowed to "fix it," but that's all they wanted to do. Listening to their beloved wife in a seemingly illogical tailspin made them feel helpless and and irritated.

Erin wanted to do something to ease Molly’s pain. And then they remembered: Just tell her what you hear, and what you see…

"Sounds like you really felt ignored. And I know how much you love that."

"Yes!" Molly said. "I felt really ignored. And I do hate that!" Molly laughed. Once she felt seen and heard, something lifted. She stopped cycling the story. Erin felt powerful, and closer to Molly.

Lead by Listening and Reflecting back. Listening is a great relationship skill, but the leadership part of listening comes in the reflecting back. This reflection is not an analysis. It is simply a mirror; your understanding of what is being said — explicitly or not. Sometimes you add what isn’t said. Last year I was complaining to my husband about not getting a consulting job I was up for. He said, “And it doesn’t help that you had a big disappointment with your book.” (Before it was accepted by a great publisher (Heliotrope, Feb. 2026), it was rejected by an amazing publisher.) By listening and reflecting back the compounding event, he reminded me that my current upset had several layers, and that helped me find compassion for myself, more space from the feelings of rejection, and grateful for his love and partnership.

Do you resonate? How do you lead in relationship? Leadership skills can help reduce drama and increase fun, creativity, and satisfaction in our relationships. I offer partnership coaching for couples and business partners.